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It Takes Two to Tango

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I started ballroom dancing a few years ago. What started out as curious and new became an exciting way to exercise and have fun. In becoming proficient, I learned the intricacies of each move which was very different. One in particular was the Tango. It’s a very deliberate dance in which each partner is required to be in sync with the other as well as the music. This requires trusting the process to achieve the outcome of moving down the floor seemingly easy and graceful (although trust me, it is not!).

Learning this move takes time and effort but the end result finally comes together because of the partners being in sync to create what you see on the dance floor. When each partner does their part, everyone looks good as well as the dance itself.

Choosing the Collaborative process is very similar: Both spouses deciding to divorce may start out in a “dance” centered around what each wants as they try to navigate through the end of their marriage. It can be tricky and complicated when each one is in their own corner. Working as a team seems out of the picture and unheard of.

With the Tango, there is much preparation before you’re on the dance floor.  You have to think about what you want this move to look like. Your mindset should be clear and positive as to the outcome you are looking for. This is the same with the Collaborative process:  understanding what outcome you are looking for prepares you for the next steps.  What’s important to you?  Is financial security a priority?  Also are you there to make yourself look good or are looking to work together with your partner to be in sync?  In a collaborative case, the outcome will be much more beneficial to both spouses if each understands the other’s needs.  If either is only concerned about how they benefit from the divorce, it’s going to be very difficult to be on the same page and achieve a result that works for both.

When I started taking lessons, it was important for me to work with a dance instructor that understood how I learned.  I needed them to meet me where I was as a dancer and what my goals were.  My progress as a dancer was as a result of finding that instructor and trusting that they could help me become a better dancer

Finding divorce professionals is the same.  It’s important to work with one who listens – who understands what your goals are and your fears as well.  They should be willing to meet you where you are in the divorce process and support you in a way that is comfortable to you.  They should explain the process and the steps along the way. You should feel confident that they can help you achieve your goals.

I’ve witnessed and participated in many divorces that were successfully resolved through the Collaborative process.  These outcomes were a result of both spouses “moving” through a difficult “dance” by working together. They worked with a team of divorce professionals trained and experienced in the Collaborative process. Their team understood how important it was to support each other’s goals. This dance, while difficult, allows each spouse to achieve their goals together. The couple can choose to act in sync with decisions that have to be made or not. As in the Tango, each spouse has a role to “play” in working toward a common goal. If their intention is not to have an equitable outcome, the “dance” becomes messy.  Both spouses get “tripped up” and create a space that gets in the way of resolution. However, if they decide to resolve their case without going to court and trust the Collaborative process, they can create a “dance” to achieve a result that’s fair and works for both.

One particular case involved a couple where there was much conflict during the marriage especially before they decided to use the Collaborative process to resolve their divorce.  Initially one spouse did not want to be in the same room as the other.  It was too painful.  The Collaborative team recognized this and supported the spouse who was uncomfortable.  After meeting with both spouses, a safe space was created for both spouses to be together during the process.  The spouse was still uncomfortable but trusted the team and was able to complete the case. This was a difficult “dance”.  It took intricate and difficult moves.  Although not in the beginning, but with practice the moves of the Collaborative process became less stressful.  Not easy but continuing to stay the course was key to a successful outcome.  The spouses trusted the team (dance instructors) after they communicated where they were in the process and what their goals were.  As the team listened, the spouses began to trust them and themselves.  They worked together and as challenging as it was (as most dances are), they each achieved their goals and a successful outcome.  The spouse who was uncomfortable in the beginning was able to move past that and co-parent moving forward without fear after the case was resolved.

 It takes two to tango. It’s not easy and takes a lot of work. But when the partners understand what their role is in the process, they can turn a complicated “dance” into a beautiful synchronistic movement. They trust their instructors and soon trust the process. Collaborative divorce embraces the benefit of working together to achieve a common goal without going to court. This is a dance worth learning.

Anthony J. Diaz was born in Miami, Florida and grew up in New York City. While working full-time, he earned his accounting degree from St. Johns University. Anthony was admitted to practice in 1998 after graduating from Stetson University.

Before opening his private practice, Anthony was an Assistant State Attorney for the Ninth Judicial Circuit of Florida and personally handled thousands of cases such as DUI Manslaughter, Robbery with a Firearm, Drug Possession, Grand Theft and Misdemeanors.

The Law Firm of Anthony J. Diaz is located in downtown Orlando, Florida and Melbourne, FL and handles cases throughout the State of Florida.

3 Quick and Simple Tips for Marketing Your Family Law Mediation or Collaborative Practice

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Not that long ago I didn’t know the first thing about marketing myself and now, through a lot of trial and error and the opportunity to learn from some of the top pros in the field, I work with other mediation and collaborative professionals to help them build their practices and hone their marketing outreach.  My learning curve has been a rocket ride because there is just so much that falls under the marketing umbrella and for so many colleagues, the entire topic is just overwhelming and way outside their comfort zone.  I thought I would share three simple tips to help you get started based upon what has worked for me and other professionals that I have worked with.

Make Your Website a Reflection of What Your Clients are Seeking

If you work on nothing else, your website is one of the most important reflections of you, your practice and is your opportunity to let potential clients know who you are without even having the chance to speak with them yet.  In fact, statistics say that more than 75% of people who are considering hiring you will visit your website to check you out so be sure that your message is clear and that you are touching on the information that clients are seeking.  Remember, clients facing divorce or other family law situation are seeking a feeling.  Generally, they want to feel supported, safe, educated, and heard.  Your credentials are important, but creating a website that appeals to a client or clients seeking a non-adversarial divorce process involves meeting those immediate needs so that you are meeting them in the emotional space they find themselves in.

Let Potential Clients Know Your Why

Instead of telling them what you do, tell them why you do it.  This can be in your website language, your blog posts, your social media messaging, or your public speaking outreach.  We have all heard or seen practitioners who describe the actions that they can take on behalf of their clients, the motions, the meetings, and advocacy but what reaches out to potential clients is the reason that you do what you do.  Why are you a mediator?  Why do you believe in the collaborative process?  Why do you do this peacemaking work?  Put some time and thought into sharing your why to make an impact.

Expand Your Offerings

Yes, you can mediate your clients’ divorce matters or work with a collaborative team to help them move through the process but think bigger.  What else can you do with your skill set?  Today, with online practice the new norm, professionals can provide services to a much larger audience.  To the entire world in fact, depending on the service you are offering.  Some possible additional services might be coaching, consulting, training, co-mediation, concierge services and so much more.  Think of your special area of expertise and consider new ways of working with clients.  You may want to expand your definition of client as well!  Just think of how I now work with both family law clients AND with professionals as a coach, consultant, and trainer.  Just as you may not have thought of these services before, neither have potential clients so make them a part of your messaging.  More clients plus more services equals more income and a bigger practice for you.

Final Thought:  KISS

Keep it Super Simple.  It’s not necessary to get your marketing message out there on every single channel.  A simple, well-thought out and selective approach is much more effective and enjoyable for you.  Put a little time into writing out your why, creating an appealing website and building out a robust list of potential services and you will be well on your way to a successful peacemaking practice!

Susan Guthrie is the Co-Founder, with Forrest “Woody” Mosten of the Mosten Guthrie Academy for Mediation and Collaborative Professionals. Susan has been one of the country’s leading family law attorneys and mediators for more than 32 years and she is a leading voice in the Positive Divorce Movement. Her award-winning podcast, The Divorce & Beyond Podcast, is one of the top divorce podcasts in the world, in the top 1.5% of all podcasts worldwide and has reached millions of listeners since she started it in December 2019. Susan is a frequent media contributor and has been seen on and in CNBC, Market Watch, Forbes, Eye on Chicago, WGN, the ABA’s Just Resolutions Magazine, Thrive Global, The Nook Online, Medium, Authority Magazine and more. For more information on Mosten Guthrie Academy trainings and opportunities to work with Susan, visit the website at www.mostenguthrie.com or reach out directly at susan@mostenguthrie.com.

Authentic Empowerment as a Means to Practice Building

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As a participant in one of the Mosten Guthrie Mediation Practice Building groups, I have reflected over the past year on my values in growing my peacemaking practice. Forrest (Woody) Mosten is the facilitator of this group, and I have learned an immense amount from him and the other participants. If you’ve attended any trainings with Woody, then you may understand when I say my learning was not from Woody teaching or telling me how to best build my practice. No, in his most effective way, he has guided us through a self-exploration of what matters to us, what type of practices we want to have, and how we might go about continuing the development of our practices.

            When I perform this self-exploration, I first realize that I cannot separate my work as a peacemaker from my intentions for why I do this work. For me, I come into the room with the intention to hold a healing space for the parties and the professionals in the room, including for myself. I then let this core intention guide me as I answer some fundamental questions. How can I best learn to create a healing space? What do I need to do to come into this space most effectively? How do I build a practice that reflects my intention?

I find the words of Gary Zukav in his books “The Seat of the Soul” and “Universal Human” helpful in answering these questions. Zukav says that when your personality merges with your soul, you create authentic power. When we are in a space of authentic power, there is no split between aspects of our personality—our stories, our wounds, our fear-based feelings—and our souls. We are centered, we are whole, we are in a space of love. I suggest, creating authentic power creates a healing space to navigate family conflicts. We become a mirror for that we hope to create in the room.

Creating authentic power is a deeply personal journey because it requires emotional awareness and understanding of those fearful aspects of our personalities. This is our personal healing work. Zukav teaches that we must first recognize when the fearful aspects of our personalities are activated. And if we can then access the highest loving aspects of our beings during these moments of activation, we are doing the healing that creates authentic power.

For me to create authentic power, I need time to heal outside of the peacemaking room. I also need time to balance the various aspects of my life that are dearly important to me: I need time with my family and friends; I need time in nature; I need time in contemplation; I need time to travel; I need time to exercise; I need time to rest; I need time to cook; I need time to eat delicious food. These activities facilitate and teach me how to access the loving aspects of my being, which I can draw upon when a fearful aspect of my personality is activated. Balancing my time in this way, therefore, helps me meet my intention for how I want to come into this work, and how I want to build my practice. Over time, I have found that if about 1/3 of my day is spent working, 1/3 of my day is spent on self-care, and 1/3 is spent with family and other loved ones, then I am in balance.

For new mediators coming out of a 40-hour basic training, I think there can often be a feeling of overwhelm as they contemplate what to do next and how to build their practices.  We can see the models of advanced mediators with busy, robust practices like Woody, Susan Guthrie, and Ken Neumann amongst many others. If new mediators trained with Woody, they may have heard how he spends a minimum of 80 hours each month (or 1,000 annually) on practice development activities like attending trainings, networking, attending conferences, reading, writing, volunteering, and not in the client service room (see the below chart from Woody’s 1997 ABA book).  Here is Woody’s recap of his practice building time during the calendar year of 1994 as published in his book, Complete Guide to Mediation (1997).

I agree with Woody of the invaluable nature of these activities, and I also understand that one might feel even more overwhelmed contemplating spending this many hours on practice development. But what if “practice development” were reframed to activities that create authentic power for you? How much time do you want to spend on aligning your personality with your soul?

In “Seat of the Soul”, Zukav describes what work looks like for an authentically empowered practice as follows: “When the deepest part of you becomes engaged in what you are doing, when your activities and actions become gratifying and purposeful, when what you do serves both yourself and others, when you do not tire within but seek the sweet satisfaction of your life and your work, you are doing what you were meant to be doing. The personality that is engaged in the work of the soul is buoyant. It is not burdened with negativity. It does not fear. It experiences purposefulness and meaning. It delights in its work and in others. It is fulfilled and fulfilling.” How much time would you spend to achieve such a space? How does one navigate from a basic training to an authentically empowered practice?

Let me offer three ideas. First, spend some time getting very clear about your intention for why you come to this work. This may take some time journaling, meditating upon, discussing with others. Once you have clarity on your intention, when presented with an opportunity or challenge in developing your practice, ask yourself how that opportunity or challenge aligns with your intention. Or said another way, what is your intention by taking that opportunity or facing that challenge? Does it serve your core practice intention?

The second idea came while writing this blog. I went back to my journal from when I was first developing my peacemaking practice, and I found an exercise that I performed. I asked myself to identify an ideal day in the life I most wanted to live. You can see the chart that I developed below. By visualizing a day in your ideal life, you can bring forth those aspects of your being that create love for you in your life. You can prioritize that which is most important to you, and structure your practice and the time you will spend on developing your practice into your own life.

Patrick Kalscheur, Visualizing an Ideal Day in the Preferred Lifestyle

  • Early Morning Practices (5:30-7:00 am): meditation, yoga, reading, journaling.
  • Morning Family Prep (7:00-8:30 am): be with boys, help prepare them for school, make family breakfast, etc.
  • Time in Nature (8:30-10:00 am): hike, bike, walk the dog, etc. Take time to feel fresh air and prepare for the day.
  • Billable Work (10:00 am – 12:00 pm): mediation, collaborative cases, etc.
  • Lunch/Nature/Shop (12:00-2:00 pm): eat lunch, take a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. or go grocery shopping as necessary.
  • Work (2:00-5:00 pm): some of this billable, some time spent exploring new avenues for practice growth, idea generation.
  • Family/Cook/Nature (5:00-8:30 pm): cook dinner, eat with family, take a family walk or bike ride, read, enjoy a fire or other family activity.
  • Easy work/wind down (8:30-10:00 pm): read articles or other inspiring materials, spend time with Anviksha (my wife).
  • Evening meditation (10:00-10:30 pm): relaxation and release of the day in preparation for sleep.
  • Sleep (10:30 pm – 5:30 am): sleep and dream.

The third idea flows from the second. Get clear on your budget and your financial needs. How much money do you need to support that ideal life you want to live? The answer to this question may mean there is more or less time available to you for the other activities. This activity can also help you price your work. How valuable is your time? How much would you need to charge for each hour if you only wanted to work a set number of hours each day?

There is not one peacemaking path. I encourage you to explore your own path and to find those activities that will create an authentically empowered practice for you. In turn, we can create more peace in ourselves and be a mirror for the families we are hired to assist.              

Patrick Kalscheur is a mediator, collaborative attorney, and peacemaker. Patrick works with families going through the transition of divorce, and he is the founder of Kalscheur Conscious Family Law, LLC in Chicago, IL. Patrick enjoys incorporating consciousness practices such as meditation and visualization exercises when working with clients and other peace-making professionals. Patrick is member of the Mosten Guthrie Academy Trainer Development Program, and he looks forward to facilitating trainings with other Mosten Guthrie Academy trainers and the wonderful participants that come to the trainings. Patrick enjoys spending time with his family (wife and two boys), traveling, reading, and exploring new experiences. He can be reached at 312-767-8179, patrick@chicagoconsciouslaw.com, and you can learn more here: https://www.chicagoconsciouslaw.com/ and on LinkedIn.

First, Do No Harm – Mediating Family Law Matters from Start to Finish

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Lately I have been pondering the Hippocratic Oath, particularly the principle of “first, do no harm.”  Hippocrates, an ancient Greek physician, is attributed with this foundational oath of ethics. 

As attorneys, while we may not necessarily think in terms of how legal wrangling may hurt people, it is undeniably a profession that is adversarial by design. We have “war rooms” for certain cases. We sit down with colleagues to “war game” thorny issues and develop strategies. I could go on.

As a family law litigator, I have fought all the fights. Emergency motions where children have been hurt, spouses abused. Arguments over spousal support.  Child support.  Divorce.  The house.  The collection of special things – cars, artwork, toys.  Relocations. Even an XBox. I have fought on motions calendars, in trials, negotiating with opposing counsel, battles of fulminating letters, and in mediation.

But at what cost?

Adversarial Fights Don’t Help Our Clients or their Families

Over the years I have seen families hurt by litigating their separations and divorces.  Not because lawyers are wicked, but because of the very system used – one developed by the State to manage everything from the most horrible violent crimes, to negligence and property rights – to dismantle a family.

If the separating or divorcing family doesn’t have kids, they have the luxury of dividing up their assets and going their separate ways. 

Families with kids? They don’t have that luxury. This is a family unit that will still exist once the wrangling is over.   The parents still have Bobby and Susan to care for and raise. Bobby will have a ballet recital, Susan a soccer practice, and then graduation, and celebrations of all kinds that will bring parents together.

Trial is a scary thing for most folks.  They don’t really want to let some well-meaning stranger in a black robe listen to them complain about each other for a few days, lob different expert opinions back and forth about kids and property values, and then have that stranger decide what’s best. 

Late Stage Mediation is Not the Only or Best Way

Our local court rules have required litigants in family law cases to engage in alternative dispute resolution before confirming their trial dates.  So, we now have a custom of litigating – sometimes hotly and sometimes more calmly – until we have enough information to mediate shortly before trial.

In the landscape of fear and conflict, where we have been fighting sometimes for months, we now ask people to sit down and work something out.

That’s exhausting.

Mediate from the Start and Liberate our Clients

So, back to Hippocrates.  What if we gave intentional thought to “do no harm”? What if we flipped the script?

What if we asked our clients at the beginning: where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10? 15?  What goals do you have for yourself?  For your children?

What if then, we invited the other party to sit down and talk?

And what if we did that with a mediator, right at the beginning, rather than as a last-ditch effort to cut a deal before trial?

To take it further – what if we took trial off the table? What if we liberated clients from that fear and instead took this ending as an opportunity to help our clients learn to manage their own conflict?  How to collaborate and cooperate instead of competing?

What if we first, did no harm?

Mediate to Bring Hope to the Process and Build Skills

That’s my plan for my practice. I mediate. I sit down with lawyers and clients – or just clients – and help. Teach. Guide. Referee. My goal is to help families end their marriages in a way that is respectful of what once was and mindful of their best futures. 

Can I help with late-stage mediation shortly before trial? Sure.  Absolutely.  But, I’m talking about leveling up.  By the time most late-stage mediations happen, first blood was drawn months ago, and there’s scar tissue.  The parties have been fighting for months or years and then they start fighting with professional champions who, by the system’s design, are looking to win the battle.

Let’s instead help our families move away from that trauma and into a process of healing focused on happier futures.

In mediation, I shift the focus from blame and shame to hope. Is it hard? Sure, it can be.  It’s very different from family to family. But by mediating from the beginning with a contract that outlines expectations and processes, the parties have a guiding framework to stay on track. With a clearer mindset, people can collaborate rather than compete. Rather than being bound by someone else’s judgment, they decide how to move forward. They define success, based on goals and priorities they create, in a private setting where the family’s unique needs are respected. Outcomes that are best for a family might be unorthodox and unlikely in litigation, but can be negotiated in mediation.

It all adds up to a more peaceful future. With much less harm.

Jennifer Gogert is a family law attorney and mediator and has helped dads and moms, kids, stood up for widows, and held people (and companies) accountable for the hurt they cause to others. Her trial practice focuses on helping injured people recover; resolving probate matters; and assuring vulnerable people are kept safe through guardianships.

Jennifer’s mediation practice focuses on helping people resolve their family law and probate issues in a way that works best for their families. All people deserve to be treated with dignity, particularly when confronted with our justice system. She loves her job. When she is not lawyering or mediating, she enjoys cooking, hiking, and camping with her daughters and husband.

If Jennifer can help you in any way, even just to answer a few questions, please contact her or call 425-259-2222 and set up an appointment to discuss your issues privately, and in depth.