Mosten Guthrie

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Authentic Empowerment as a Means to Practice Building

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As a participant in one of the Mosten Guthrie Mediation Practice Building groups, I have reflected over the past year on my values in growing my peacemaking practice. Forrest (Woody) Mosten is the facilitator of this group, and I have learned an immense amount from him and the other participants. If you’ve attended any trainings with Woody, then you may understand when I say my learning was not from Woody teaching or telling me how to best build my practice. No, in his most effective way, he has guided us through a self-exploration of what matters to us, what type of practices we want to have, and how we might go about continuing the development of our practices.

            When I perform this self-exploration, I first realize that I cannot separate my work as a peacemaker from my intentions for why I do this work. For me, I come into the room with the intention to hold a healing space for the parties and the professionals in the room, including for myself. I then let this core intention guide me as I answer some fundamental questions. How can I best learn to create a healing space? What do I need to do to come into this space most effectively? How do I build a practice that reflects my intention?

I find the words of Gary Zukav in his books “The Seat of the Soul” and “Universal Human” helpful in answering these questions. Zukav says that when your personality merges with your soul, you create authentic power. When we are in a space of authentic power, there is no split between aspects of our personality—our stories, our wounds, our fear-based feelings—and our souls. We are centered, we are whole, we are in a space of love. I suggest, creating authentic power creates a healing space to navigate family conflicts. We become a mirror for that we hope to create in the room.

Creating authentic power is a deeply personal journey because it requires emotional awareness and understanding of those fearful aspects of our personalities. This is our personal healing work. Zukav teaches that we must first recognize when the fearful aspects of our personalities are activated. And if we can then access the highest loving aspects of our beings during these moments of activation, we are doing the healing that creates authentic power.

For me to create authentic power, I need time to heal outside of the peacemaking room. I also need time to balance the various aspects of my life that are dearly important to me: I need time with my family and friends; I need time in nature; I need time in contemplation; I need time to travel; I need time to exercise; I need time to rest; I need time to cook; I need time to eat delicious food. These activities facilitate and teach me how to access the loving aspects of my being, which I can draw upon when a fearful aspect of my personality is activated. Balancing my time in this way, therefore, helps me meet my intention for how I want to come into this work, and how I want to build my practice. Over time, I have found that if about 1/3 of my day is spent working, 1/3 of my day is spent on self-care, and 1/3 is spent with family and other loved ones, then I am in balance.

For new mediators coming out of a 40-hour basic training, I think there can often be a feeling of overwhelm as they contemplate what to do next and how to build their practices.  We can see the models of advanced mediators with busy, robust practices like Woody, Susan Guthrie, and Ken Neumann amongst many others. If new mediators trained with Woody, they may have heard how he spends a minimum of 80 hours each month (or 1,000 annually) on practice development activities like attending trainings, networking, attending conferences, reading, writing, volunteering, and not in the client service room (see the below chart from Woody’s 1997 ABA book).  Here is Woody’s recap of his practice building time during the calendar year of 1994 as published in his book, Complete Guide to Mediation (1997).

I agree with Woody of the invaluable nature of these activities, and I also understand that one might feel even more overwhelmed contemplating spending this many hours on practice development. But what if “practice development” were reframed to activities that create authentic power for you? How much time do you want to spend on aligning your personality with your soul?

In “Seat of the Soul”, Zukav describes what work looks like for an authentically empowered practice as follows: “When the deepest part of you becomes engaged in what you are doing, when your activities and actions become gratifying and purposeful, when what you do serves both yourself and others, when you do not tire within but seek the sweet satisfaction of your life and your work, you are doing what you were meant to be doing. The personality that is engaged in the work of the soul is buoyant. It is not burdened with negativity. It does not fear. It experiences purposefulness and meaning. It delights in its work and in others. It is fulfilled and fulfilling.” How much time would you spend to achieve such a space? How does one navigate from a basic training to an authentically empowered practice?

Let me offer three ideas. First, spend some time getting very clear about your intention for why you come to this work. This may take some time journaling, meditating upon, discussing with others. Once you have clarity on your intention, when presented with an opportunity or challenge in developing your practice, ask yourself how that opportunity or challenge aligns with your intention. Or said another way, what is your intention by taking that opportunity or facing that challenge? Does it serve your core practice intention?

The second idea came while writing this blog. I went back to my journal from when I was first developing my peacemaking practice, and I found an exercise that I performed. I asked myself to identify an ideal day in the life I most wanted to live. You can see the chart that I developed below. By visualizing a day in your ideal life, you can bring forth those aspects of your being that create love for you in your life. You can prioritize that which is most important to you, and structure your practice and the time you will spend on developing your practice into your own life.

Patrick Kalscheur, Visualizing an Ideal Day in the Preferred Lifestyle

  • Early Morning Practices (5:30-7:00 am): meditation, yoga, reading, journaling.
  • Morning Family Prep (7:00-8:30 am): be with boys, help prepare them for school, make family breakfast, etc.
  • Time in Nature (8:30-10:00 am): hike, bike, walk the dog, etc. Take time to feel fresh air and prepare for the day.
  • Billable Work (10:00 am – 12:00 pm): mediation, collaborative cases, etc.
  • Lunch/Nature/Shop (12:00-2:00 pm): eat lunch, take a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. or go grocery shopping as necessary.
  • Work (2:00-5:00 pm): some of this billable, some time spent exploring new avenues for practice growth, idea generation.
  • Family/Cook/Nature (5:00-8:30 pm): cook dinner, eat with family, take a family walk or bike ride, read, enjoy a fire or other family activity.
  • Easy work/wind down (8:30-10:00 pm): read articles or other inspiring materials, spend time with Anviksha (my wife).
  • Evening meditation (10:00-10:30 pm): relaxation and release of the day in preparation for sleep.
  • Sleep (10:30 pm – 5:30 am): sleep and dream.

The third idea flows from the second. Get clear on your budget and your financial needs. How much money do you need to support that ideal life you want to live? The answer to this question may mean there is more or less time available to you for the other activities. This activity can also help you price your work. How valuable is your time? How much would you need to charge for each hour if you only wanted to work a set number of hours each day?

There is not one peacemaking path. I encourage you to explore your own path and to find those activities that will create an authentically empowered practice for you. In turn, we can create more peace in ourselves and be a mirror for the families we are hired to assist.              

Patrick Kalscheur is a mediator, collaborative attorney, and peacemaker. Patrick works with families going through the transition of divorce, and he is the founder of Kalscheur Conscious Family Law, LLC in Chicago, IL. Patrick enjoys incorporating consciousness practices such as meditation and visualization exercises when working with clients and other peace-making professionals. Patrick is member of the Mosten Guthrie Academy Trainer Development Program, and he looks forward to facilitating trainings with other Mosten Guthrie Academy trainers and the wonderful participants that come to the trainings. Patrick enjoys spending time with his family (wife and two boys), traveling, reading, and exploring new experiences. He can be reached at 312-767-8179, patrick@chicagoconsciouslaw.com, and you can learn more here: https://www.chicagoconsciouslaw.com/ and on LinkedIn.

First, Do No Harm – Mediating Family Law Matters from Start to Finish

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Lately I have been pondering the Hippocratic Oath, particularly the principle of “first, do no harm.”  Hippocrates, an ancient Greek physician, is attributed with this foundational oath of ethics. 

As attorneys, while we may not necessarily think in terms of how legal wrangling may hurt people, it is undeniably a profession that is adversarial by design. We have “war rooms” for certain cases. We sit down with colleagues to “war game” thorny issues and develop strategies. I could go on.

As a family law litigator, I have fought all the fights. Emergency motions where children have been hurt, spouses abused. Arguments over spousal support.  Child support.  Divorce.  The house.  The collection of special things – cars, artwork, toys.  Relocations. Even an XBox. I have fought on motions calendars, in trials, negotiating with opposing counsel, battles of fulminating letters, and in mediation.

But at what cost?

Adversarial Fights Don’t Help Our Clients or their Families

Over the years I have seen families hurt by litigating their separations and divorces.  Not because lawyers are wicked, but because of the very system used – one developed by the State to manage everything from the most horrible violent crimes, to negligence and property rights – to dismantle a family.

If the separating or divorcing family doesn’t have kids, they have the luxury of dividing up their assets and going their separate ways. 

Families with kids? They don’t have that luxury. This is a family unit that will still exist once the wrangling is over.   The parents still have Bobby and Susan to care for and raise. Bobby will have a ballet recital, Susan a soccer practice, and then graduation, and celebrations of all kinds that will bring parents together.

Trial is a scary thing for most folks.  They don’t really want to let some well-meaning stranger in a black robe listen to them complain about each other for a few days, lob different expert opinions back and forth about kids and property values, and then have that stranger decide what’s best. 

Late Stage Mediation is Not the Only or Best Way

Our local court rules have required litigants in family law cases to engage in alternative dispute resolution before confirming their trial dates.  So, we now have a custom of litigating – sometimes hotly and sometimes more calmly – until we have enough information to mediate shortly before trial.

In the landscape of fear and conflict, where we have been fighting sometimes for months, we now ask people to sit down and work something out.

That’s exhausting.

Mediate from the Start and Liberate our Clients

So, back to Hippocrates.  What if we gave intentional thought to “do no harm”? What if we flipped the script?

What if we asked our clients at the beginning: where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10? 15?  What goals do you have for yourself?  For your children?

What if then, we invited the other party to sit down and talk?

And what if we did that with a mediator, right at the beginning, rather than as a last-ditch effort to cut a deal before trial?

To take it further – what if we took trial off the table? What if we liberated clients from that fear and instead took this ending as an opportunity to help our clients learn to manage their own conflict?  How to collaborate and cooperate instead of competing?

What if we first, did no harm?

Mediate to Bring Hope to the Process and Build Skills

That’s my plan for my practice. I mediate. I sit down with lawyers and clients – or just clients – and help. Teach. Guide. Referee. My goal is to help families end their marriages in a way that is respectful of what once was and mindful of their best futures. 

Can I help with late-stage mediation shortly before trial? Sure.  Absolutely.  But, I’m talking about leveling up.  By the time most late-stage mediations happen, first blood was drawn months ago, and there’s scar tissue.  The parties have been fighting for months or years and then they start fighting with professional champions who, by the system’s design, are looking to win the battle.

Let’s instead help our families move away from that trauma and into a process of healing focused on happier futures.

In mediation, I shift the focus from blame and shame to hope. Is it hard? Sure, it can be.  It’s very different from family to family. But by mediating from the beginning with a contract that outlines expectations and processes, the parties have a guiding framework to stay on track. With a clearer mindset, people can collaborate rather than compete. Rather than being bound by someone else’s judgment, they decide how to move forward. They define success, based on goals and priorities they create, in a private setting where the family’s unique needs are respected. Outcomes that are best for a family might be unorthodox and unlikely in litigation, but can be negotiated in mediation.

It all adds up to a more peaceful future. With much less harm.

Jennifer Gogert is a family law attorney and mediator and has helped dads and moms, kids, stood up for widows, and held people (and companies) accountable for the hurt they cause to others. Her trial practice focuses on helping injured people recover; resolving probate matters; and assuring vulnerable people are kept safe through guardianships.

Jennifer’s mediation practice focuses on helping people resolve their family law and probate issues in a way that works best for their families. All people deserve to be treated with dignity, particularly when confronted with our justice system. She loves her job. When she is not lawyering or mediating, she enjoys cooking, hiking, and camping with her daughters and husband.

If Jennifer can help you in any way, even just to answer a few questions, please contact her or call 425-259-2222 and set up an appointment to discuss your issues privately, and in depth.