Archives for January 2022

More than a million children every year become part of divorced families. January is International Child-Centered Divorce Awareness Month and a great opportunity to discuss some ways to have a Child-Centered Divorce.  

Children and their well-being are the entire reason I work as a family mediator, child-specialist and parenting coach. When I decided on my career path 25 ago, I thought adults were unchangeable and frankly a waste of my time (granted, I was only 15 at the time!) Therefore, I decided I wanted to work with children exclusively, and began my journey to be a child therapist.

Years of work in the mental health field taught me a valuable lesson: providing a child with support and skills in a therapeutic setting wasn’t enough to make lasting change if they went back to households where the parents weren’t doing the things to support them. The parents were the ones with the power to make profound changes, sometimes with just some small tweaks to what they were already doing. Therefore, the majority of my work each day now is with adults, to ensure that the information for change is in the hands of those with the most power: parents.

Decades of research on children’s adjustment during and after divorce point to three main categories of things that have the most impact on children’s adjustment: Parent Conflict, Individual Parent Mental Health and the Parent-Child Relationship.

1. Reduce the Conflict between the adults. The higher the level of conflict between the parents, particularly conflict about the child, was and is associated with poorer outcomes in child adjustment. This is true regardless of the parents’ marital status and remains important even once the family officially divorced. Reducing conflict can be accomplished by choosing a divorce process that is more amicable and cooperative, such as mediation or Collaborative. Improved communication is also associated with lower conflict, and this can be accomplished by working with a co-parent coach on communication protocols and new expectations and boundaries between you and your co-parent, regardless of your divorce process.
2. Prioritize YOUR mental health. While parents often focus on their children’s mental health (and rightfully so), it’s just as important, if not more, to prioritize your own mental health. The stress from a divorce on a parent can impact the child in several ways: Parents under stress are often less attuned to their child’s needs, quicker to anger, and less consistent. These changes can have a destabilizing impact on children. Find your own mental health supports such as therapy or coaching, exercise, mindfulness and social connections can all help tremendously.
3. Focus on your OWN relationship with your child. While there are plenty of things about a divorce that feel out of our control, we have the ability to make impactful changes. Many parents feel guilty about the impact of a divorce on their children and become more permissive parents in response. This can make children less sure of their relationship with you and confused what to expect in an already confusing time. Focus on finding the balance between the parenting style you had when you were in a two-parent household and figuring out how to best parent solo. Additionally, when all else fails, focus on connection over everything else. Ask yourself, “How do I make sure to connect with my child during the time we have together?” This can be new or continued rituals at wakeup, dinner, bedtime or upon transition into your home from the other parent.

Kathleen Zumpano is a child development specialist, family mediator and parent coach who has focused her practice on assisting families during and after divorce. She has been providing therapeutic services to children and families for over 15 years. Kathleen has presented at panels and workshops for the last 11 years on a variety of topics related to families and divorce across the United States and in Canada, on topics ranging from the Voice of the Child to resist/refuse dynamics. She is a past president of the Oregon Association of Collaborative professionals and continues to serve on the Board as well as on several other committees focused on the serving children and their families.  

For many of us, the New Year means a fresh start. Whether it’s improving eating habits, changing jobs or moving to a new place – we seem to have more courage and energy to eliminate the situations or activities that made us stagnant or downright miserable.

If divorce is at the top of your list, it is important to organize yourself and your team so that you can use this process as a catalyst for healing transformation.

Here are 5 ways to reduce the stress associated with your divorce and turn it into an opportunity to become the very best version of yourself.

1. Find a therapist and/or divorce coach.

Including a divorce coach or therapist on your team will not only make your divorce process easier and healthier, it will also keep you from paying legal fees to address emotional issues that would be better addressed by working with a specialist in this area. Your lawyer is an expert in managing the legal side of your case. If you rely on your divorce attorney for emotional support, or to chat through every issue that comes up, the fees will quickly add up.

So what is the difference between a therapist and a divorce coach?

A therapist will help you examine your past and the events that led to your decision to end your marriage. Perspective and understanding your triggers are valuable to keep you from repeating past mistakes and processing hurt and trauma. Improving communication skills and the way you manage emotions are also valuable tools that will serve you well during your divorce process.

A divorce coach helps define the vision for your future – post divorce and create goals and strategies for your new “best” life. Focusing on the future not only fuels excitement, but it will also help you understand exactly what you and your family will need to thrive. Your divorce coach can be an excellent sounding board and help you get clear about what you want. When you are clear on what you want, your lawyer is in a better position to get you there.

After practicing family law for over 15 years, I’ve seen the value of a team approach and it’s why I’ve carefully selected compassionate experts to help guide my clients through their divorce. You can learn more about my curated community here along with helpful and inspiring resources in my blog.

2. Establish your support network.

Asking for help can be difficult. But the isolation many people feel when they are going through a divorce is one of the leading stressors. The support of a few trusted friends and/or family members during this time is key. You may find yourself emotionally drained and need a friendly voice or a last-minute babysitter for meetings with your divorce team.

Leaning on those who love you and letting them know what they can do may feel awkward at first, but will ultimately provide a tremendous release. You will be surprised how much it can lift your spirits when a friend drops off a home-cooked meal. Give others the opportunity to take care of you as you would do the same for them.

3. Ask for referrals for a divorce lawyer.

A good lawyer can take any set of facts and apply it in a way that is the most beneficial to their client, but when you are going through a divorce you need more than just a good lawyer.  You need a trusted advisor who can help you clarify your goals and interests so you know where to place your focus.  You need a lawyer who is empathetic and sympathetic to your situation.  You need a divorce lawyer who reflects your core values – the principles you use to guide your life.  Selecting your lawyer is a critical part of the process and a decision that will impact you and your family for years to come. Asking those closest to you for recommendations is a great start.

Once you have a few names, I always suggest interviewing a few attorneys so you can decide who you trust the most and is the best fit.

Here are my top 6 interview questions:

   •           How long have you practiced?

   •           How much of your practice is devoted to family law?

   •           What is your philosophy on divorce?

   •           What are the options for resolving my case?

   •           What other professionals should we add to my team?

   •           How can we approach my case in a way that protects my children?

4. Know your options.

Educating yourself on the divorce options available to you is key!  You don’t have to your parents’ (or your neighbors’) divorce.  When people hear the word “divorce” most immediately envision some version of The Marriage Story or War of the Roses, but the reality is that most cases (most states average 95% of more) settle without ever seeing the inside of the courtroom.  And that can be your reality too!  When you know your options, you can select a non-adversarial path that allows you to make decisions from a place of strength versus a place of fear and anger.

When you choose litigation, the collateral damage to those you love (most importantly, to your children) is unavoidable. Mediation and other forms of alternative dispute resolution protects your loved ones and keeps your focus on the long-term resolutions that will support the health and well-being of your family.

Bottom line, when you avoid the Courthouse, you get what I call the “5 C’s”:

● Control

● Creativity

● Confidentiality

● Cost Containment

● Certainty

Learn more about mediation and how to prepare with this guide.

5. Mentally prepare by thinking through how you want to approach your divorce.

We all have the power to choose to see things differently or to choose again. Even a tiny shift in your perspective can create a miracle.  What if you could experience your divorce through the lens of love versus a lens of fear? What if your divorce could open the door to a healthier path and life – for you and for your family?

As you think about ending your marriage, consider shifting your focus from what was to what will be. This reframing will allow you to make strategic decisions and design the life you want.

If dissolving your marriage is one of your New Year’s resolutions, you can choose a path that is the healthiest and most peaceful for you and your family. Support from loved ones and highly skilled and compassionate professionals as well as knowing your options gives you the freedom to reorganize, restructure, and redefine your family with dignity and grace.  This allows your divorce to be the springboard for a more beautiful life – a holistic approach I call A Becoming Divorce.

Claire Samuels has been practicing family law in Charlotte, North Carolina for the past 14 years.  After years of litigating high conflict cases, Claire has seen just how toxic the “scorched earth” approach to divorce can be for everyone involved, particularly children.  It has been her experience that even high conflict couples can divorce in an amicable way with the proper guidance. Claire is committed to supporting and educating her clients about alternative resolutions that will empower them to resolve their legal disputes while preserving the civility that allows them to raise healthy and well-adjusted children.  Claire is also a certified Family Financial Mediator and recently completed Susan and Woody’s (or Mosten Guthrie) 40-Hour Mediation Certification training.